Dear James Gunn,
First, before you read this, let me say that you look fantastic today! Are those new eyeglasses? Well, they look amazing. They really bring out the color of your eyes. Wow! Sorry. Totally distracted there.
I want to play a dead body in [Guardians of the Galaxy 3].
If not a dead body, then perhaps someone sleeping, taking a nap or otherwise laying down. Here’s why:
a.) Experience: I have a lifetime of experience laying down. You won’t find me suddenly standing up, sitting up or moving around. When I decide to lay down, I am committed to laying down. This skill naturally lends itself to being a corpse or sleeping person.
b.) Corpses Needed: Look, people die in the MCU. Happens all the time. You will already likely need dead bodies for this film and I am ready to fill that need!
c.) No dialogue: The dead don’t speak. Usually. So, there’s no dialogue to learn. No acting or response required. Just lay there and contemplate death while others actually do and say things near or around me. I can do that!
d.) Motivation: Dead characters often spur a hero towards a greater good. If, by my sacrifice, I can motivate the [Guardians] to do the right thing, then in a way, I am a hero too! A dead hero.
e.) Large Size: As a big man, my corpse can be used to hide cables, sound recording equipment, inconvenient power outlets or a variety of other things that shouldn’t be seen on camera. Why add a task for the art department? Hide a multitude of sins under my dead body.
f.) No distractions: If I had a line of dialogue in the film, it’ll detract from the performances by Cartoon Raccoon and the others. People will miss their dialogue, because they’ll be so enchanted by my performance. Having me speak wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the cast. Best that I be a silent corpse.
g.) Dead Legend: Once I play a corpse in [Guardians3] and that film enjoys the “GuyInChair” bump in ticket sales, I think it’s reasonable that other MCU films will also want a piece of this hot action. I could be a “dead Soviet” in Black Widow 3, a “dead white dude” in Black Panther 2 or a “dead Broolynite” in Spiderman3: Take The Long Way Home! The possibilities are limitless. Need a big dead guy? I’m your (dead) man!
h.) I Am Cheap: I’ll fly myself to Atlanta or L.A. or wherever you’re filming. I’ll cover my own housing. I’ll bring my own set catering and comfy pillow. I won’t even be a line item on the call sheet. I’m totally self contained. (Let’s see Batista match THAT pricetag. He can’t.) I’m literally cheaper than renting a rubber body from a props shop.
I think this is a No Brainer, James. (Can I call you James?) If we’re being totally honest with each other; Internet Celeb to Dashingly Handsome Movie Director and Impressario, we both know that this is isn’t just a good idea. It’s the best Fucking Idea of The Fucking Year.
To help me do that, I’ll consolidate the people’s movement using the hashtag #DeadGuyInChair to make this dream a reality!
James Gunn, I’m ready to die for [Guardians of the Galaxy3]. Email or DM me and let’s set this up!
